Signs of an unhealthy relationship with food, and how to notice yours before you change anything

Mela Theory, the framework behind Nutrimelab, reads the signs of an unhealthy relationship with food as learned patterns that sit more in how eating feels than in what is on your plate. Food often takes up a lot of your thinking, and guilt tends to follow when a rule bends. They're worth noticing before you change anything.

Say it's Sunday evening, about nine. The washing is drying on the radiator, the week is lined up for the morning, and you're already deciding what tomorrow's eating will be. Porridge, no biscuits at work, something light for dinner because the weekend "went a bit wrong". You've made this plan before. Part of you remembers how Wednesday usually goes, and you make it anyway.

At some point, late at night, many people search some version of the same question. How do you know if you have a bad relationship with food? You won't find a score or a quiz here. Most of the answer is in how ordinary days feel, and a week of paying attention is a good way to see it.

> Key Takeaways > > - In my work, an uneasy relationship with food usually shows in everyday patterns, such as rules about when and what to eat and guilt afterwards. Food can also take up a lot of your thinking. > - Mela reads these patterns as learned, often at the family table and from years of dieting. > - Noticing comes first. This week's practice is one plain line for each time you eat, with no numbers and nothing to correct.

What does "relationship with food" actually mean?

Your relationship with food is the pattern of rules, feelings and decisions around eating that you've built up over years. It covers when you eat, what you allow yourself, how you feel afterwards and how much of your day food takes up. Everyone has one. What matters is whether it leaves you room or keeps you tense.

A relationship with food that works for you tends to be flexible. You eat when you're hungry most of the time, sometimes for comfort or because it's someone's birthday, and then you get on with your day. I've written about what a healthy relationship with food looks like, and how the six weeks of this series work towards it.

In my work I often see that an uneasy relationship is hard to spot from the inside, where the rules tend to feel like common sense. People rarely describe a problem with food. They describe being tired of thinking about it.

What an uneasy relationship with food tends to look like day to day

None of what follows is a checklist, and none of it is a diagnosis. These are the everyday patterns I see most, and you may recognise one or two.

Eating by the clock is a common one. You eat at one because it's lunchtime, and you don't eat at four, however hungry you are, because four isn't a mealtime.

Then there are rules about when, what and how much. No bread after lunch, nothing after eight, pudding only at weekends. Each rule looks small on its own. Together they decide a lot of your eating before you've checked how hungry you are or what you'd like.

Guilt afterwards often comes with the rules. You eat a biscuit you hadn't planned, and the rest of the afternoon is coloured by it. One study suggests guilt may not help much. In a 2014 study, Kuijer and Boyce asked people whether chocolate cake made them think of guilt or of celebration. Those who chose guilt felt less able to eat healthily, and their intentions to do so were no stronger than among those who chose celebration. It was a single study, and it shows a link rather than a cause.

Food can also take up a lot of your thinking. You plan the next meal while you're eating this one, or you replay yesterday's eating in the queue at the post office. Some people notice they eat one way with others and another way alone, a careful salad at the work lunch and then whatever is in the cupboard at home.

The last pattern is in the words. You call a day "good" or "bad" depending on what you ate, and yourself along with it. "I was so good today" says something about your character, and that's a lot to hang on a sandwich.

Mela describes these patterns through two of its six layers, culture and identity. Culture covers the rules you picked up at home, at school and from diet culture. Identity is the kind of eater you see yourself as, such as "I'm hopeless around chocolate" or "I'm the one who's always on a diet".

Some people also notice they eat to cope with feelings. If that's the pattern that stands out for you, I've written about why emotional eating is not a willpower problem, and that's the place to start.

Why do so many of us end up uneasy around food?

Mela reads this unease as learned. The rules usually arrive long before we could choose them, first at the family table and later from years of dieting. They tend to come with love, belonging or good intentions, which is often why they feel so hard to question.

Research on childhood food rules is consistent with this reading. In a 2003 study, Puhl and Schwartz00024-2) asked 122 adults from one community sample to recall the rules about food they grew up with. Those who remembered their parents using food to reward or punish their behaviour were more likely to report dietary restraint, and eating that felt out of their control, as adults. The memories were self-reported, so the study shows a link and cannot show that the rules caused it. If the clean-plate rule is one of yours, I've looked at why you feel you have to finish your plate and where that rule tends to come from.

Why noticing comes before changing

When you have an unhealthy relationship with food, the most useful first step is to notice it for a week before you change anything. Mela reads the all-at-once change as the start of the familiar swing, on it on Monday and off it by Wednesday, with the guilt back by the weekend.

In my work I see the same Sunday plan again and again. A pattern gets spotted, a whole new set of rules gets written, and by midweek the new rules have broken and the old ones feel stronger than before. People put real effort into these plans, and they still break, often because they're built on a guess about the week instead of a clear look at it.

Noticing is slower, and it gives you something the Sunday plan never has, an accurate picture of how you actually eat. You'll see which rules are loud and which are only habits you never questioned. You may also find some rules you'd like to keep, which is fine. The aim is to see what's running your eating, so that any change you make later is one you chose.

This week's practice, a week of noticing

For the next seven days, write one plain line each time you eat. Note when it was, what you had, roughly how much in words, who you were with, and which rule was in the room, if any.

"Roughly how much" stays in words. "Less than I wanted", "about right" and "past comfortable" are all you'll need. Leave out grams, numbers, scores and anything else you could add up, because this is a record of patterns, and numbers turn it into a test.

A line might read like this. "Tuesday, 4.15pm, two biscuits at my desk, less than I wanted, on my own, rule: not before dinner." Or, "Saturday, lunch at Mum's, seconds of roast potatoes, past comfortable, family, rule: finish what you're given."

Eat as you normally would. You're watching the week, so there's nothing to get right and nothing to make up for. If a line makes you wince, write it anyway, and keep going. You're noticing rules and patterns across ordinary days. If a feeling comes up, put it in a word and carry on.

At the end of the week, read the lines back in one sitting and circle every rule. Look at which ones turned up most, and ask which of them you'd keep if you were choosing them today.

Tonight, before bed, write the first line, for whatever you ate last.

When the signs worry you

Some of what you notice this week might worry you more than you expected. If it does, I've written about when a dietitian or your GP is the next step, who does what in the UK and how to reach them.

If any of these patterns has started to frighten you, or food takes up much of your day, please talk to your GP, or contact Beat, the UK's eating disorder charity, at beateatingdisorders.org.uk, where you'll find their free helplines.

If the week mostly shows you rules you'd like to loosen, that's what the six weeks of this series are for, starting with Week 1.

Next step

See the 7-week programme